Im really torn... Fuck. I keep getting pulled this way and that. What do I fucking want? I have to ask myself whats best for me? what makes me happy? Im so tired of thinking of everyone else. And not wanting to hurt someones elses feelings. Well feelings have been hurt and I cant change that. Now I have to do what will be best for me.
problem is... I dont what that is.
I have two choices, and it should be a no brainer right?
the one thats done everything for me, the one thats changed so much because I asked. Who am I to change someone? if Iapos;m not happy with how someone is I shouldnt have the right to ask them to change. Its there fucking life. But I did and he is. Changing into what I wanted. And even tho we have to work really fucking hard to make it work eveyday hes still my best friend, the love of my life, the guy I chased for 3 fucking years. Who I dealt with all the shit, and I mean SHIT that he put me through. Everything, being dumped more than once... Being left wile he went to apos;do his thingapos; being taken for granted and every fucking other thing he did to me. And I still love him, I still chased him, untill one day I grew the fuck up and didnt care anymore. And then he changed his ways, and chased me. And we were pretty good after that besides the normal fights and whatever. Except the one HUGE thing we cant seem to get over, and thats where I cant change when he asked me to. I have this wall that I cant take down, Its like Im scared things will go back to how they were. And I know that wouldnt happen. Because hes different now. I can see myself with him forever, married, kids, eveything... Its frightening
and the one who I have so much fun with, who I dont even worry about anything around, it doesnt matter if we have nothing to do, I just like being around him. And thats all that matters at that moment... And I dont have that wall with... But he dosesnt have the same thoughts as I do. And I love that material things dont matter to him, because I dont really care myself but I want someone who has motivation and ambition. And a job, it doesnt have to be behind a desk, just a job that they like to do. I have more respect for people who work hard and love what they do. Thats just how I am, I work my ass off but love evey minuet of it, even when I complain :P But I wont ask him to change, if he wanted to Id want him to do it for himself not me. Im done changing people. Plus I love him how he is. I just dont know if hes the one for me.
But I really do love him, and it hurts that it probably cant be....
because I have so much fun with him... How long would that last tho.?
who knows?
so anyway... Do I go with the one who is what I want but we have to wrok really hard to make it work and I have to work on myself and let the wall down...
or the one who I dont have that with and we always have fun but I dont want to change... But I know I would want him to in the long run...
do I really want to fuck around with people... I already did to andrew... Grrr... Bunch of thoughts.. I dont whats right...
later i guess
cleans itself, fro download, fro dummy, fro exe.
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