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So I think I have this big huge crush on Ben. And I donapos;t think he reciprocates. This is how I feel. This is what I want. I donapos;t feel that he is into me romantically. I think we could be platonic friends and he would be respectful. Unfortunately I am super attracted to him. He is also seeing another girl here and there. What should I do? Maybe instead of obsessing over him I should move on and try to live in reality.

I can keep trying to meet guys online. It doesnapos;t hurt. I should be able to find a nice Christian gentleman. I want to go into more details but I am ready to sleep.

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I needed a flower for a hat and wasnapos;t happy with anything I found online...though I do like many of the patterns available...they just werenapos;t right for what I wanted.




Materials Needed:
5.0mm (size H) crochet hook
Caron Simply Soft in Grey Heather (it goes with the hat)
Tapestry Needle to attach flower to whatever you want to attach it to....




Pattern: (worked in rounds)


1. CH 2
2. 5 SC in second CH from hook, join with a SL ST to first SC.
3. 3 SC in each SC around, join with a SL ST to SL ST from row 2.
4. *(CH 5, skip 1 SC, SL ST in next SC, SL ST in next SC), Repeat from * all the way around, Join with a SL ST to the first SL ST.
5. (3 SC, 7 HDC, 3 SC) in each petal around with a SL ST in each SL ST in between the petals, Join with a SL ST to the first SL ST, Tie Off.
6. Form the petals in the shape you want...because of the way the petals are done, you have a couple of options on how the flower can look. I flattened the petals and created a star shape at the center of the flower.


NOTE: Also consider getting a decorative jewel or button to sew into the the center of the flower, making it big enough to hold down the points of the star.


This pattern is copyrighted by Nichole M. Verville on October 17, 2008. Please do not use without crediting me for the pattern. The pattern cannot be sold. The finished product can be sold as long as you credit me for the pattern.
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Im really torn... Fuck. I keep getting pulled this way and that. What do I fucking want? I have to ask myself whats best for me? what makes me happy? Im so tired of thinking of everyone else. And not wanting to hurt someones elses feelings. Well feelings have been hurt and I cant change that. Now I have to do what will be best for me.

problem is... I dont what that is.

I have two choices, and it should be a no brainer right?

the one thats done everything for me, the one thats changed so much because I asked. Who am I to change someone? if Iapos;m not happy with how someone is I shouldnt have the right to ask them to change. Its there fucking life. But I did and he is. Changing into what I wanted. And even tho we have to work really fucking hard to make it work eveyday hes still my best friend, the love of my life, the guy I chased for 3 fucking years. Who I dealt with all the shit, and I mean SHIT that he put me through. Everything, being dumped more than once... Being left wile he went to apos;do his thingapos; being taken for granted and every fucking other thing he did to me. And I still love him, I still chased him, untill one day I grew the fuck up and didnt care anymore. And then he changed his ways, and chased me. And we were pretty good after that besides the normal fights and whatever. Except the one HUGE thing we cant seem to get over, and thats where I cant change when he asked me to. I have this wall that I cant take down, Its like Im scared things will go back to how they were. And I know that wouldnt happen. Because hes different now. I can see myself with him forever, married, kids, eveything... Its frightening

and the one who I have so much fun with, who I dont even worry about anything around, it doesnt matter if we have nothing to do, I just like being around him. And thats all that matters at that moment... And I dont have that wall with... But he dosesnt have the same thoughts as I do. And I love that material things dont matter to him, because I dont really care myself but I want someone who has motivation and ambition. And a job, it doesnt have to be behind a desk, just a job that they like to do. I have more respect for people who work hard and love what they do. Thats just how I am, I work my ass off but love evey minuet of it, even when I complain :P But I wont ask him to change, if he wanted to Id want him to do it for himself not me. Im done changing people. Plus I love him how he is. I just dont know if hes the one for me.
But I really do love him, and it hurts that it probably cant be....
because I have so much fun with him... How long would that last tho.?
who knows?

so anyway... Do I go with the one who is what I want but we have to wrok really hard to make it work and I have to work on myself and let the wall down...
or the one who I dont have that with and we always have fun but I dont want to change... But I know I would want him to in the long run...

do I really want to fuck around with people... I already did to andrew... Grrr... Bunch of thoughts.. I dont whats right...


later i guess

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I have to mention that I went to a talk today by a landscape architect, talking about the need for good water management planning in conjunction with new developments (warning: new and foreign concept to Atlanta developers).� He talked about a proposal his team made for some prime real estate in Toronto, which ultimately was awarded to a different, less environmentally friendly but cheaper bid.� I was struck, though, by the guyapos;s vocabulary.� Though a French native and Swiss resident, the guy used English words I didnapos;t understand, like topology (apparently an areaapos;s topographic history) and de-multiply.� De-multiply?� In front of a scientific audience?� Maybe the word he was looking for was "divide".� Anyways, I was overall reminded of the gaps between what Iapos;ll call "liberal arts" academics and "scientist" academics...If anyone out there wants to talk about de-multiplication, please leave me out of the conversation.
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I set up my eee to upload videos from my card. I have a lot of them to put up. Pottery on the freezer, planting stuff yesterday, my campfire for baking the cake, kayaking the other day, etc.

I love getting comments from them. I find that I get enough comments to make me want to keep making these videos. I like doing it, anyway. Itapos;s an incentive to work quickly and accomplish things and to share my knowledge.

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Because I'm nuts. That could be it. I like to think that it's because I was looking for the grand adventure I never had. I was a child of the fifties and like many of us , I was suffused with images of Dick, Jane and Sally. The were such cute, little children and their world seemed so lovely and orderly. So what did I do after college. I got married and promptly had two chlidren, a satisfying choice only in retrospect , now that I have two lovely daughters as friends. The reality of those years, chaos, longing for "Calgon to take me away", wishing I had a cage for my daughter Virginia, longing to be anywhere , but at home removing the glitter and glue from the dining room table, the lipstick lip prints left by our little neighborhood friend, Emma. But what was I to do ? I had no choice , but to slog on for another fifteen years. So slog I did. Funny though, because when Alice left for college, I did not jump for joy, but puttered around most of the day in my bathrobe , listening to Van Morrison and feeling sorry for my abandoned self. So here I've spent all of those years of self-sacrifice only to miss it when it was over. Obviously I survived that period, became a free woman, fell into a sink hole of blue moods,and emerged on the other side dreaming of places far from Texas.

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Do you think she sits there hating me....letting this hate build up more and more...silently.....I have done nothing wrong...I understand the person that I was, but she never understood the person that she was......she never took the time to realize how un-rational she was being ...and how harsh she was being to her love....so to say what she said I was. High school sweet hearts she says....her one and only true love.....yah thanks for lying to me and yourself.....i should have known when you first tried to get with my best friend......i should have never forgave you for fucking a stranger after we promised something together....For the more that I think I was more of a gentleman than you were a lady. What the fuck am I not seeing here....Any girl would entranced by the fact of how much of a truly caring person I was....you never believed my words ...you never once believed me even though id die for you....and id die to just make you happy.....i was too young to make happen all the splended things that you wanted to happen.....i was too young to have you travel....you never gave me the time of day....never gave me that chance....thanks a lot for fucking me over...thanks a lot for fucking 5 years out of my life....thanks a lot for sucking the energy out of me like a fucking vampire.....thanks a lot for lying to me and making yourself out to be this little innocent fucking girl. Thanks a lot ....thanks a fucking alot....

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I bumped into my ex-classmates when I was fetching my sis home from my auntieapos;s house. Reynold and Michael havenapos;t changed abit- ok, maybe a bit in terms of hair and all that, but theyapos;re still the same two guys I knew back then. I wonder how they recognised me? Maybe from my uniform, or the school bag I was carrying for my sister which was super high and made me look like a retard. But then again, looking like one isnapos;t all that bad. What a day actually.

Played a new song today. Got quite nervous during tuning because our sound is still quite shaky and Ms Sia wasnapos;t that pleased when we werenapos;t in tune. Itapos;s interesting to note that for movement 2 of the song, cornets only have to play one note. One note- so many rests plus repeat. Easy job huh? Sectionals wasnapos;t too bad, but we were all lethargic.

Ate ice cream after band- something that I think I needed for a while. Maybe not really cos I already ate ice cream the day before. But sweet corn tastes different from vanilla-so it makes no difference.

Wednesday seemed weird- though I canapos;t quite describe it. A mixture of feelings maybe? I donapos;t know.

A wise friend told me that we should appreciate the little things that we often overlook- like cloudwatching or observing people going about their day. Well, I guess I should do that. Sometimes life gets so busy that we tend to forget about those little things that makes your life meaningful.

And since I have time nowadays, I guess I should spend more time with my family. I kinda feel like Iapos;ve been neglecting those who have always been there and put up with my constant naggings (like an old woman) and wasting electricity due to mugging at night. Well, I should do this before I start doing my Chemistry and Physics homework- which reminds me that I have to collect Physics notes before the holidays.

Usually, how would you define apos;eye candyapos;? If you ask me, Iapos;ll think of it as someone who is personally pleasing to the eye and it is just for the face value-if thatapos;s what you call it. But generally, no emotional strings are attached. Simple as that- Iapos;m not sure why Iapos;m even saying this but ya, I guess itapos;s just random. As always. And anyway, candies are bad for the health.

Iapos;ve only read this book for 2 days and Iapos;m halfway to finishing it. Okay, I guess itapos;s quite slow lah, but itapos;s 306 pages leh. So itapos;s already quite good that Iapos;m reading 100+ pages in two days.

WR is ending soon. Waiting for it to be over. Itapos;s been the one thing that makes me want to cry sometimes. Recently, other texts have also made me want to cry. Iapos;m turning into a softie. It could be validated since Iapos;m a girl and all, but Iapos;m different in a way. I was taught to be strong, and hopefully it will be that way. I guess it could be because Iapos;m experiencing things totally new to me, something that I thought I would only think about when Iapos;m way older and no longer studying.

Some people get surprised when I tell them that I have contemplated staying single my whole life. Well, why wouldnapos;t I think of it? So many things can happen to change oneapos;s perspective, and you can say that I do get afraid. Just afraid- thereapos;s no need for any explanation, is there? Itapos;s the fear that prevents me. From a lot of things.

Iapos;d better get back on polishing up on WR, better chiong it since the deadlineapos;s this Friday.

p.s. Iapos;m glad we can meet soon, I need your advice. =)





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Oct. 15 (Bloomberg) -- Pacific Basin Shipping Ltd., Hong Kongapos;s biggest dry-bulk carrier, and Precious Shipping Pcl. Said demand for moving coal, iron ore and other commodities will fall because banks are guaranteeing fewer loads.

``Letters of credit and the credit lines for trade currently are frozen,apos;apos; Khalid Hashim, managing director of Precious Shipping, said in Singapore yesterday. ``Nothing is moving because the trader doesnapos;t want to take the risk of putting cargo on the boat and finding that nobody can pay.apos;apos;

The lack of letters of credit, in which banks guarantee payment for merchandise, could become a ``big issueapos;apos; for world trade, according to Klaus Nyborg, Deputy Chief Executive Officer at Pacific Basin. Tighter credit has contributed to this yearapos;s 80 percent drop in the Baltic Dry Index, a measure of commodities-shipping costs.

``This can have a significant effect on demand because you wonapos;t see the same volume of cargo moved,apos;apos; Harold L. Malone III, senior vice president at Jefferies Co., said at a Marine Money conference in Singapore. ``You have to figure out other ways to get trade done.apos;apos;

Banks worldwide have curbed lending because of increased concerns about getting their money back. Shipowners are already struggling to obtain funding for new vessels. Precious Shipping, Thailandapos;s second-largest shipping company, took as long as 15 months to secure financing for 18 vessels it has on order, Hashim said.

For the non-financial readers, these are one of the most basic instruments of interbanking, and amount to a large-denomination certified check. In essence, major banks will no longer accept one-anotherapos;s cashierapos;s checks above a trivial denomination, if the cashierapos;s check has any durational character. Implication: the other bank may not last until the end of a 90 day instrument.

Not a really happy place for the credit markets here, this is a 15th century instrument. Ultimately, this suggests to me that the market is voting with its faith that the collective CBs canapos;t float the economy out of their pockets for the duration of the crisis. Weapos;ll see if conditions ease going forward.

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